


Incident Report

by Andraste



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Epistolary, Humor, M/M, Size Kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-14
Updated: 2013-04-14
Packaged: 2017-12-08 11:03:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/760611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andraste/pseuds/Andraste
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the Champmathieu trial fails to occur, Javert recalls an alternative way of identifying Jean Valjean.  It's not something he wants to write an official report about.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Incident Report

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a prompt on the kinkmeme:
> 
> "During the trial in Arras, poor Champmathieu suffers a heart attack, and dies before a verdict is reached. (Or Madeleine arrives.)
> 
> To determine if the Valjean case can be closed now, Javert is called in, again, for identification. But as soon as Javert is shown the body, he recognizes his error. That man wasn't Valjean: he lacks the tell-tale chafing scars from the chains. Also, 24601 wasn't only called Jean-the-Jack for his strength - this man was too, *ahem*, small.
> 
> Now I'm handing over to the anonymous commenter on ffa, who actually gave me the idea: _now I want a story where Javert has to write an official report that involves Valjean's penis._ And/or starts to (more or less) discreetly spying on the Mayor, looking for proof."
> 
> Some anonymous people enabled this silliness. For which I thank them sincerely.

_Extracts from a series of letters sent between Montreuil-sur-Mer and Paris:_

Monsieur Chabouillet,

As ordered, I went to Arras. As my previous letter explained, the defendant's ill-timed apoplexy prevented the case being brought to trial, but I was able to see the body of the man Champmathieu.

I must regretfully inform you that he was not the one we sought. When I examined the corpse, I failed to see the scars that would have been caused by the chafing of chains. He was not a man who had toiled at Toulon for nineteen years. He also did not possess another sign by which I would have easily recognised Jean Valjean.

_\- Inspector Javert_

 

That is unfortunate. I suppose the word of the fellow prisoner who denounced him was thin evidence. Such men cannot be trusted.

What manner of sign would you recognise Valjean by? Did the convict have particularly distinctive scars or injuries that I might add to his description?

_\- Monsieur Chabouillet, Secretary of Monsieur le Prefet of Police_

 

No. It was more that his natural form was made in such a way that one who had seen him would not soon forget it.

_\- Inspector Javert_

 

I must press you for further details - your previous descriptions made no mention of this. If there is something in his appearance that might make it easier for someone to recognise him, I must have it circulated.

_\- Monsieur Chabouillet_

 

The point of distinction was not one that would be apparent upon casual observation.

As to the details: certain of his parts were of a dimension not commonly seen. Unfortunately this aspect of his anatomy could not be discerned in public. It therefore seems unlikely that circulating this information would lead to an arrest.

_\- Inspector Javert_

 

Inspector Javert, are you trying to tell me that you would recognise this Jean Valjean by the size of his penis?

_\- Monsieur Chabouillet_

 

Yes.

The prisoners were sometimes naked at Toulon.

I gathered that he was not named Jean the Jack-screw solely due to his impressive strength.

_\- Inspector Javert_

 

I see.

I suppose it is too much to hope that this sheds any light on whether M. Madeleine is the convict you seek? I feel that we should not proceed rashly with any action against him.

_\- Monsieur Chabouillet_

 

At present, no light has been shed. I will attempt to pursue the matter further.

_\- Inspector Javert_

 

I appreciate, as always, your devotion to duty. However, I must caution you to use your softest touch here. It is bad enough that you have denounced the mayor as a convict, without demanding that he remove his trousers for you.

_\- Monsieur Chabouillet_

 

I assure you, Monsieur, I would not be so indelicate. I am confidant of obtaining the information I seek discreetly, with time and patience.

_\- Inspector Javert_

 

Very well. I await your intelligence with some curiosity.

_\- Monsieur Chabouillet_

 

I have now investigated the matter most thoroughly. M. Madeleine should certainly not be removed from his position.

_\- Inspector Javert_

 

Then it seems an arrest will not be made in this case after all. I hope you have not further offended M. Madeleine.

_\- Monsieur Chabouillet_

 

On the contrary. I think that the airing of my suspicions may have improved relations between the mayor and the police. M. Madeleine's liberality and kindness are as intemperate as they are famous, but I have reason to appreciate them on this occasion. I apologise for wasting your time and will accept any reprimand you feel appropriate.

_\- Inspector Javert_

 

No reprimand is necessary. Your zeal in pursuit of the law is commendable, and no harm has come of it. We may all put this matter behind us. I am glad to hear that you have come to an acceptable arrangement with M. Madeleine.

I do not suppose we will ever recapture this Jean Valjean. It is really too bad that such a fearsome specimen should remain at large, but it cannot be helped.

_\- Monsieur Chabouillet_

 

I shall be vigilant as ever. I can assure you that Jean Valjean will do no harm to Montreuil-sur-Mer while I am here.

I remain the faithful and obedient servant of both the police and of the law as personified in M. le Maire.

_\- Inspector Javert_


End file.
